The examples below come from direct work with clients and include themes that can be sensitive and deeply painful — such as miscarriage, infidelity during pregnancy, unfulfilled promises about having a child with a former partner, and unwanted pregnancies.
The Power of Constellation Practice and the Consciousness of the Unborn Child
From “everyday difficulties” to harsh destinies, everyone carries their own burden in their heart, and the courage for humility and taking responsibility for problem-solving lies in the heart of the systemic constellator. In constellation work, it is not about good and bad, or taking a stance. It is about finding the best solutions for all and bringing peace to the client’s heart and to the soul of the family. It is about the intelligence of love and universal goodness that regulates the natural laws revealed in the work.
Systemic constellations show that everything that was once created has the right to belong in its proper place within the family system. For example, whether or not the mother is aware of it, if a child was conceived but did not survive, it seeks acknowledgment of its creation. This is about the acknowledgment of the heart and soul of the family, about systemic recognition.
Research says: “It is considered that the highest rate of pregnancy loss occurs in the early stage of pregnancy, when the pregnancy cannot be detected by clinical tests…” In other words, if the child is not in the mother’s consciousness, the mother is unable to acknowledge the child, because it is not present in her awareness. There are natural laws that lead to complications, and then we can say that the child “did not have the strength” to survive. This is a higher power. In cases of induced abortion, guilt and certain forms of self-punishment appear, which are resolved after constellation work.
A mother’s heart never sleeps.
Systemic imbalances and emotional pains have also been shown in reversed destinies: in cases of unwanted children and in cases where the mother was forced to give birth. Sometimes keeping a child can create much worse consequences than a child who was spontaneously or intentionally aborted.
How should I understand this?
I am a living system of all that is visible and invisible that has come to me and which within me constantly interweaves and lives. A system of what has come to me from my ancestors: all that has come to me from my mother and all that has come to me from my father. In me are the events that lived in the lives of all my ancestors, in my own life. I am the dream of all my ancestors. What my ancestors could only dream of, I am free to live. – Bert Hellinger
Numerous constellation, psychological, and psychiatric observations from practice warn that a person must be viewed in their wholeness and indivisibility from the moment of conception.
Try reading the examples below with kindness in your heart.
A. “Brother, sister, I wanted you so much to be born.” – Rejection of one’s own femininity and creating business success. Heart murmur.
A woman in her thirties came with the question: “All women are somehow gentle, and I am somehow boyish, even though I don’t feel that way, I am just realistic. Men tell me I am ‘like a brother,’ and I increasingly don’t want to go to work. I would love to finally find a partner.”
This is many questions in one.
The question of femininity is important here because it runs like a silent thread in explaining how the client feels and what is happening. We set only one position in the work: her as her femininity. The representative of “her femininity” after some time sat on the floor. The work showed that she had three brothers and one sister who were spontaneously aborted. She did not know about them.
At this moment, it is necessary to realize that spontaneously aborted children always know who their brother is, who their sister is, who their mother is, who their father is, and they seek their place of belonging.
Instead of the representative, the client entered the work. It was time for that. The client cried for a long time. She first looked at the first brother, then the second, then the third, and finally at the sister. Each look seemed to last hours. With her gaze, the client told each one, “I wanted you to be born so much, I cannot let you go.” “My soul hurts that you are not here, my heart will break.”
After the work, the client said: “I have a heart murmur of 3.5 millimeters from birth and three damaged nerves in my right hand. Now I know why.”
According to her, she was born holding her right hand to her heart, during which some nerves did not develop or were damaged during birth.
This indicates that most likely some of her brothers were conceived at the same time as her. I did not go to verify this detail because it was irrelevant to the client’s soul and life.
Today she develops her own business and sees herself as a woman.
B. Whose child was aborted? – The child as a victim of abuse in the prenatal period
A man raised the question of feeling guilty due to a sudden loss of desire for intimate relations with his then-partner. The partner, according to him, was a wonderful person “like an angel.” But he felt guilty because, due to lack of desire for her, he ended the relationship. Furthermore, he had dreams of a child – a beautiful angelic little girl.
How to approach the work?
Every person who comes with the statement: “I am guilty,” wants a solution that will adequately return to the other, innocent side what belongs to them due to the act of unlawful taking. Such an attitude almost always speaks about the victim-perpetrator dynamic. But this must always be confirmed.
The work showed that in the system of the client and the girl there was a child who was spontaneously or intentionally aborted. The child was still attached to the mother and in great fear of the client’s representative (the representative is the person who enters the work instead of the client to provide more objective information).
It was confusing that the client’s representative did not want to take responsibility for the child’s paternity, and the child was afraid of him. So he considered that he was not the father. Here, the child’s fear directed at the client’s representative can easily be linked to the fear of rejection from the family system, fear of death, or trauma caused by the act of abortion itself. However, the constellator must strongly resist these prejudices.
I introduced another representative for the “real” father of the child. The representative went to the mother and child and revealed what was hidden – there really was another man with whom the girl became pregnant. When the child looked at the real father, the fear disappeared.
How to explain the child’s fear directed at the client’s representative? While the child was alive in the mother’s womb before the abortion, the child considered that the sexual act of “not the father,” i.e., the act of penetration by the client into the mother, tried to harm the child. In other words, the intention of intimate contact of the pregnant woman with another man who is not the father caused in the child a fear of violence, and the intimate act was experienced as abuse, with the “not father” seen as the abuser.
Of course, the client, who was not the father, unconsciously felt this and distanced himself. His body knew what not to do. The body is intelligent and courageous.
Thus, even though the mother enjoys intimacy with another partner, if the child comes from another man, it is a direct victim of prenatal abuse, and this must be taken seriously. Ideas that the child enjoys what the mother enjoys in the womb are not correct in this case.
The client saw his former girlfriend as an angel because she was in a certain “blessed” state. The client’s dream of a little girl like an angel was indeed true, because there was an aborted female child “living in heaven.”
After the work, the client started a relationship with another woman, with whom he is still, and he did not return to his former girlfriend.
C. “I want your unborn child.” – An aggressive conflict between neighbors turned into deep fear and restlessness
When we look more closely, in almost every building or street there is at least one neighbor who gives us no peace. That neighbor seeks peace and tries to reach it in every possible way — even through unrest.
Often, looking at others, pointing fingers, judging, gossiping, or mocking others shows exactly what we do not have the courage to look at in our own lives — what is too painful, or what we are not aware has happened. Can we say to ourselves: “I will never again point fingers at other people”? Then we would more easily turn to ourselves and look at what truly matters.
The client came with the question: “I have a neighbor who disturbs and attacks me a lot, and I am afraid of him.”
In the work, I placed the client, a representative for the neighbor, and his wife. The neighbor’s wife sat on the floor, and then the client did too. It turned out that the neighbor’s wife had aborted children, and the client had a spontaneous miscarriage she suspected but was not certain about.
The dynamic was that the neighbor’s wife violently wanted to take the client’s child and care for it as her own, while she did not want to look at her own unborn children. The neighbor wanted to give his unborn children to the client so that she would take care of them. This dynamic is called “My worry, pass to others,” which means: “My life is harder than yours,” or, “Your life is in my hands, no matter what it costs me.” As you can see, the saying “My worry, pass to others” is not always harmless, no matter how lighthearted it sounds when we say it.
In this work, it was clear that the unborn children knew who their real mother was, but one mother did not have the strength to look at them, and this led to systemic entanglement between two families who lived under the same roof, each on its own floor. This once again shows that, according to constellation work, a home does not recognize “whose home belongs to whom,” but sees all residents as one system. From this it follows that family is not only by blood but also fatefully connected by place of living — by country, city, neighborhood, building.If one family or family member has helped another (saved a life, fed them, or violently took their life or property) and in that way strongly influenced their destiny, according to systemic constellations, that person also belongs to the family. Fatefully, for the soul and the person, that is all family.
The pain was great. But a mother’s heart is resilient and full of love.
At the end of the work, each accepted their own children and brought them into their system, giving them the place that belongs to them — a special place in the heart. Then we can be humble and respectful toward others. This clearly shows that the system does not distinguish between the living and the dead, and that life always brings to light what was invisible, helping us live more in peace and love with others in the community.
D. “Dad, please look at Mom.” – Symptoms of constant alertness leading to an anxiety disorder
A girl came with the symptom of constant alertness leading to anxiety, or as she explained, “I cannot relax. I cannot close my eyes and rest. Whenever I do, something bad happens. I always have to stay awake and on guard.”
Psychologists say: “What also characterizes people suffering from anxiety is a state of readiness. Due to vague apprehension, they are always on alert because they believe some danger is approaching.”
The state the client described could also be linked to extreme extroversion and interest in multiple life areas, which she later mentioned. However, that was not the topic of the work, and it did not appear in the session.
I began the session by placing only a representative for the client, i.e. her as a child. The child showed signs of returning to the prenatal period — the time when it was in the mother’s womb. Then I introduced representatives for the mother and the father. The father was looking around, not at the mother, not at the child. The mother was looking only at the child. And the child was in a constant state of alertness, looking at the father. The child could not relax, close its eyes, or fall asleep in the mother’s womb.
Then I told the representative of the child (i.e. the client) to say to the father: “Dad, please look at my mom.”
After that, things began to move: when the father looked at the mother, and the mother looked at the child, the child could relax, close its eyes, and peacefully fall asleep. The father’s focus on the mother of the child — his loyalty and devotion to the pregnant woman, love for her and care for her — has a significant influence on the child’s sense of safety, peace, and personal strength both before and after birth.
Half a year after the session, the girl improved her relationship with her father, started working part-time (which she felt was good for her at that stage), relaxed more, and said she no longer had excessive worry about daily matters.
E. “Is my dad my biological father?” – Manipulation and false gurus
The client came with a very clear question: “Is my father my biological father?” I introduced one representative for her and one for the father. The work very clearly showed that her father was indeed her biological father. I stopped the work there.
But the client continued: “But how can he be my father when everything points to the opposite?” This was the first manipulation in the work, from the client’s side — an attempt to maintain arrogance and avoid accepting the truth, to avoid accepting her father just as he is. It was as if she were saying: “I do not want you as my father. You do not live by my standards. I will grow up as and how I choose, and I will pick my own father even though I am already conceived and born. My conception is under my control. I am greater than God.”
This attitude is directly opposed to the theory and practice of constellation work, since constellations clearly show that without the mother there is no life, and without the father there is no potential for growth, and that seeking any alternative path leads to the illusion of choice, manipulation, and distorted spirituality. When we do not accept the father and do not want to look at him because we think it hurts too much, and that our love for him would lead to emotional overload, then we look at what is above the father — and that is God, or a false god if it involves manipulative escapism.
It is difficult to accept the father just as he is (although it is even harder to accept the mother), and I had understanding for the client’s maneuvers. I introduced another representative for a “second” father, and then I also brought in the mother. The work showed that the mother had an illusory relationship with a previous partner, in which they fantasized together about having children, and that partner had the illusion that the client was his daughter. That unresolved manipulative illusion still had a strong influence on the definition of the “real” father in the client’s life. In the mother’s heart, the earlier partner truly was the child’s father.
I ended the work with the sentence: “Here, everyone is a manipulator.”
That sentence strongly opened the client’s eyes. She accepted her biological father as her real father, left manipulative relationships, moved abroad, found her life mission and place in society, and later returned to her hometown — to her father and mother. “That was the client’s greatest growth and her greatest life success so far.”
Unresolved partnership issues in the heart of the mother (but also the father) before, during, and after conception can have a strong influence on the child’s relationship with the biological father, as well as on all issues that come from the father: questions of growing up and potential for growth, professional success, sexuality, safety, relationships with men, one’s own role in society, and much more.
F. “Birth as exorcism.” – Mental illness after childbirth due to forced keeping of the child
Special attention, kindness, gentleness, extreme alertness, deep cognitive and emotional immersion, and thorough preparation for the session are needed as an inner attitude of the constellator when working with any diagnosis — especially with mental disorders.
The work showed that the client, as a young woman in her twenties, became pregnant and did not want to keep the child. For her, abortion was the only choice. For her, the act of abortion was her destiny. But due to social, religious, and family pressure, it was not allowed. That went against the family conscience. During pregnancy, the girl began to experience her child as a foreign body, and the birth as an act of exorcism.
Today, the woman is a functional member of society and takes care of herself. She has a correct relationship with the child and enjoys socializing with others. I will stop here.
G. “Children as tyrants.” – Taking on the destiny of a murderer in the prenatal phase
For this work, due to its exceptional sensitivity, I will say only a few things.
It is possible that in unwanted children from the mother’s side, the child in the prenatal phase does not fully take on the life that came through the mother, and thus not the destiny that belongs to it by birth. Then the child turns to an alternative life and an alternative destiny given by the family system. This can be the destiny of the first ancestor whom the system, due to disrupted order and exclusion, “pushes” back into the system to become visible — by having someone else live their destiny, and that someone is precisely the unwanted child who could not accept its own destiny.
Since not taking life from the mother’s side is actually the child’s inner movement toward death, the child becomes receptive to living the destiny of one who served death — that is, the ancestor who was excluded from the family line due to being a murderer.
The questions we can ask are:
– Was I a wanted child, and are all my children seen, wanted, and loved?
– How can we live better in partnership?
In working with clients, it has been shown that an abortion in the family that has not been adequately acknowledged — where the mother does not want or cannot see the child who is no longer among the living — has multiple effects on health, happiness, success, partnership, finances, and family relationships.
Abortion where the mother is unavailable to the living children, abortion as inability to create one’s career path and as loss of money, abortion as the strength of living children to start a business — these are only some examples that all, both the living and those no longer with us, have the right to their rightful place in the family, which belongs to them by their creation.