Many family constellations show that depression is a reaction to someone’s lost life or to the loss of another person — to a death in our family’s past.
We are deeply connected with that soul and its destiny. We love that soul — truly, deeply, genuinely. But this love gives rise to depression, which is our longing to die, because someone we love so much has also died.
In other words, depression is being drawn toward death out of love.
Who might that be?
- Our known or unknown twin who is no longer alive
- Our other siblings who are no longer with us
- The mother’s mother, father, brothers, or sisters who are gone, and whom the mother follows — “Dear Mom, I will go instead of you.”
- The father’s mother, father, brothers, or sisters who are gone, and whom the father follows — “Dear Dad, I will go instead of you.”
- Victims of family violence — here we may see manic-depressive or bipolar disorders. (Bipolar disorder was called manic-depressive psychosis at the beginning of the 20th century and circular psychosis in the mid-19th century.)
- Victims of war for whom our family soul still mourns
- Our personal grief over the loss of a loved one — a part of us died with them
- Suicides within the family
- Family secrets
- …
And again, depression is our natural reaction to someone’s death.
It is a natural reaction — but not a necessary one, and not the only possible one.
As Bert Hellinger, Sophie Hellinger, Vedran Kraljeta, Vlado Ilić, and many other “old” constellators — our teachers — like to say:
there is a love without a future, and a love with a future — a happy one.
To become ill or even to die — that is love without a future.
Because even if we die, it will not make things easier.
And especially not for our descendants.
In depression, our vital energy is drawn out of this life and transformed into someone else’s tragic destiny.
But that is not what this soul needs.
What it needs is a place in our heart.
It does not want us to be depressed or to die.
There is no need for another sacrifice — and no one asks us to become one.
When we give someone a place in our heart, a miracle happens!
If we give this soul a place in our heart, we receive powerful support.
Instead of losing energy, we gain more — additional energy, additional talents, additional vitality for our future successful life.
Bert Hellinger writes in his books that it is much easier to live depressed than to be completely happy or to suffer.
When we are depressed, there is no exchange with the world around us.
There is no joy, of course, but nothing really hurts either.
To be happy — truly happy — takes courage.
To suffer also takes courage.
According to the experiments of Masaru Emoto, look at what he discovered:
The most beautiful water crystals form in rivers — especially in fast ones.
And water forms no crystals in lakes.
Water loves movement.
Life is movement; it is flow, exchange, joy, suffering, interaction.
Also, something new can only come when the old departs.
Isn’t life indeed like a river?
But besides the examples above, there is another hidden family dynamic:
A man and a woman got married because he hoped the marriage would fulfill all the unmet needs from his childhood,
and she wanted to love him the way a mother loves her child.
They were fairly content — until the birth of their child.
Then her love naturally began to flow toward her real son.
The husband felt neglected, grew jealous, and began competing with his son for his wife’s attention.
It is similar to when mothers compete with their daughters for the attention of the husband — in whom both actually see the father.
The wife felt abandoned by her husband and deeply longed for an equal partner.
The son was caught between them — he didn’t know how to relate properly to either one and fell into deep depression.
He became free from depression when his father took his rightful place beside his wife — as a man in partnership with a woman, and as a father in relation to his son.
Then the boy felt peace and could be a child again.
Reference:
Bert Hellinger: The Hidden Laws of Love, p. 86
https://www.constellations.work/depression-a-deep-true-love-behind-it/
https://www.constellations.work/depression-happiness-suffering/https://
www.plivazdravlje.hr/aktualno/clanak/32721/Bipolarni-afektivni-poremecaj-BAP.html